And I choose to be free, to live my life outside all categories. I am I.

falling_into_your_gaze_ali_cavanaughI was feeling flat and so low that day. Half of my brain was just like shut downed. I had no appetite while in the other side I was very hungry. No food on the table. I have to make my own (not the table.. the food!!). But what can I cooked? No proper ingredients in my Mum’s fridge. Most of it was crap and rubbish, since she never cleaned her fridge along time ago. I think I’ve never ever seen such a messy fridge like my Mum’s and what makes bad about it more is just that I have no desire to help her cleaning up her fridge. She is sort of a person who loves to collect things or make stocks of things she thought might be she needs in the future, but then forgot about it. Then those small things will stay in the same place for along time as nothing. So does my father. No, no… he’s not “a nothing”. I was trying to say that my father has the same habit like my mum’s: keeping things he thought important but then he’ll forget about it and never use it.
See… No wonder they both are match and married and stay together a long time and made us all suffer somehow sometime.
Slowly by their both creativity, our house became a giant trashcan since years ago. I care about how it looks. I do. I care a lot. But I don’t care about how much I should have an obligation to clean it because of its messiness. I care, but I gave up to make that house looks normal and nice. I’ve tried. But that didn’t work. Perhaps.. it is the only way our house can be looked as a normal house: messy. And if one day it looks very clean and well managed.. hmm.. then everybody will know that there must be something very wrong in our family.

Back to my half shut downed brain. Finally I made my breakfast (at 12am). Fried tofu mixed with eggs and chili and onions, whatever it is the name; I just created that one based on what we have on fridge. Not too bad. Better than nothing. I have eaten it. I was suitably full. Then I continue my (part time) work with computer. I Managed website, answering emails, and searched people to be our company’s victims as they buying our products online. That’s how I called the costumers: victims.

Then after 3 hours I felt very bored and weak. I think my body needed some energy, and I thought it’s impossible to get energy by staring all the appearances on internet all day. But I didn’t want to cook again. I had nothing to cook anymore, nothing to eat. It was just too weak for me to go out and buy some food from the cheap restaurant nearby, and I had no appetite at all for any kinds of heavy foods: rice, noodles, bla bla bla. I didn’t want to eat. I just wanted to consume what’s inside my head and my heart that moment. My mouth was numb and silent. But even though, seem like I was chewing something in that stiff mouth: memories and loneliness.

I don’t know what I should have done next. I was just so lonely while I also felt the urgency of my empty stomach and weak body of getting some energy in. I have nobody that I’d like to call, to hug, to tell me that I should eat, or to accompany me to eat those crap foods, or even somebody to see without talking. Seeing somebody from my missed calls list probably will make my mood more chaotic without I even realized it, or probably would make me spend more money which I supposed to save. Then what? Slowly I felt nothing. I only laid my body on my bed and having my mind spacing out and I had my mind flying to my memories, back and forth. I started feeling down and down… Oh.. there it was… I saw the black dog I’ve known coming out from its cave and approached me from my back. That’s the depression.

I was trying hard to move on. No, I won’t let the black dog having me again. Then I decided to go out. I bought some fruits from supermarket. I thought having fruits as my lunch would be good since I can’t eat heavy and normal foods that day. It’s healthy and tasty anyway. And I decided to meet some people. Ok, I have to smile and tell them what’s happening to me. Hoping somebody might find and press the right button in me and then turn on my half shut downed brain then I could get my brain work fully again.

That’s how I met and talk to that person. She’s the first person who really make me realized that I’ve been raised as an outsider since I was a little girl. I was born and raised in a mixed religion family, in a town which never accepted a person who has a religion background and Java blood like me. Etcetera, other facts about how I’ve raised… Yes, these facts explained why I always thought that I don’t belong to somewhere and something. I don’t know where exactly I should be. I’ve always change. And that’s the only thing about me that you can be sure of.

But I’m afraid this changing and running things already been a pattern which I can’t break and change. But I’m afraid to change the changing I’ve always made. I’m changing. I’m running. I can’t stop myself. But does it bad? I don’t thing so.. But it’s hard to be like this all the time. And the black dog keeps watching me from its cave.

I keep changing. I keep running.

Please catch me. Or.. don’t.
I don’t know. Probably you can’t.

And I choose to be free; to live my life outside all categories. I am I.

Thanks to Jenny 😉


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